Spoilers no doubt. Watch yourself.
Tonight was premiere night for many highly-rated shows. CBS’s Monday night comedy block returned with all new seasons of How I Met Your Mother, Two and a Half Men, and The Big Bang Theory and introduced Accidentally on Purpose. Fox and NBC opted to air two hour premieres of House and Heroes, respectively, while the second season of Castle debuted on ABC.
At some point one of CBS’s three of four letter acronym crime drama spinoffs also premiered for the xth time, but that’s just not important. Let’s move on to a breakdown of the premieres I watched.
How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 PM) – Season 5 Episode 1 “Definitions”
Wow. What a bad episode. Let’s take a look at what happens in the first eight or so minutes.
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The episode cold opens, panning on a Socrates statue sitting on the words “All I know is that I know nothing.” Bob Saget/Future Ted begins his familiar voiceover and reminds us of the mild Future Mrs. Ted Mosby cliffhanger and the Barney/Robin relationship resolution from last season’s finale.
Flashback. Lily, having noticeably dropped the weight (little Satyana Denisof) she’d steadily been gaining last season, is characteristically excited about having double date partners for her and Marshall. Too excited, as Marshall, also characteristically, admonishes her for using her outdoor “woo.” Barney and Robin, with a few “awesome”s thrown in, reveal that they’ve decided not to be a couple. At this point, I’m fairly certain that they’re still doing the hanky panky, excuse my language, and I’m already bored. The laughtrack also is getting on my nerves. How did I deal with this in the previous four seasons? Lily’s unhappily stuffing her face with Butter Pecan ice cream and Marshall’s horny and meh.
Flashforward. Marshall gets Ted a gift for his first day of school – a My Little Pony lunchbox an indiana jones-like hat and whip, which he quickly uses improperly, characteristically harming Marshall in the process. Marshall, Lily, and Ted return to the apartment to find Robin and Barney making out on the couch. Surprise. More Lily cheers followed by more Barney/Robin denial complete with flashbacks that parallel more flashbacks all to the tune of an annoying laughtrack. Lily pushes “the talk” that quickly ends with some more “or or” parallel.
Ted has a pantsless hatless dream and awakens to Barney in his bedroom looking for condoms. Hello, laughtrack. Cut to bar. Ted is nervous. Barney unveils more sex wisdom. Marshall acts immaturely about lack of hat in Ted’s dream. Lily gives advice while not so subtly pushing for Barney and Robin to have the talk. Seldom-seen Brad shows up in a tight shirt and invites Robin to a hockey game because she likes hockey. Oh, those Canadians. Scripted awkwardness as Robin doesn’t know what to do and Barney is equally uncomfortable. She finally agrees to go.
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Although HIMYM gets most of its jokes from self-references, this was just too much. The characters were clichés of themselves, if that makes any sense, and to contribute to that, the dialogue seemed uninspired. Perhaps the cast lost some chemistry over hiatus as both female mains enjoyed spending time with their new babies, but damn.
Moving on. The time-flash cuts usually adds to the jokes and/or story, but they only seemed to exist in this episode for more Barney/Robin time of which there was already plenty. None of the Barneyisms were clever. Clueless Ted, Pushy Lily, and Marshall’s whatever you call it, just also didn’t work for me.
The only scene I found entertaining was when Ted forgets how to spell Professor, but that’s largely in part due to the helpful female student.
Ted, on your first day of school this year, I give you and your friends a D+.
As a quick post-post question, do people often eat ice cream with a wooden spoon?
